Fitness: The Raw Truth.

I'm just going to come out and say it.

You need to WORK YOUR ASS OFF in order for your ASS TO GET HOTTER.

Let me premise this post that I am aware that some people are unfamiliar with machines at the gym or unsure how to use weights. I am aware that some people have injuries or limitations that may halt their ability to really push it. So before anyone yells at me and says, "some people need to use ____", or "I'm injured and can't work at my max"- I am agreeing with you. But that is for about 5% of people, or my 88-year old grandmother. Otherwise, I really want to yell "COME ON!!!!" to the other 95% of the people in the gym.

I'm talking to you, woman on the bike going 2 mph and chatting on your cell phone. I don't care if the screen says that you are in the "fat burning zone." Here's what's better: get yourself into the cardio zone. Make your heart work. Push yourself. SWEAT. And while you're at it, get off the machine and pick up a jump rope. You can't talk on the phone if your hands are busy.

Hi, honey! I'm getting a great workout.

I'm also talking to you, chick who is doing bicep curls with 2-pound weights. Your purse weighs eight times that weight. Either curl your purse, or pick up the 15s. Do three sets of 12 with a one minute rest in between (max). And while you're at it, drop and give me 20. I don't care if it's on your knees or on your toes. Get out of breath. Work.

While you're at it, where did you get this purse? It's fierce.

To the baby mommas: You pushed a watermelon out of your vajayjay and carry around a 20-pound human for most of your day. You can increase your heart rate to more than 50% of its max. I know this is okay, because I can do it. Just saying.

And here's what I have to say to this chick:

Get off this machine.

Unless you are dealing with a groin injury (which even still, cables would be better for your rehab and not this sex machine), don't bother with this machine. It will not make your thighs smaller. It works against the direction of your leg muscles... therefore it is pretty much pointless. (The hip abductor- the opposite move- has a few benefits, if you have hours to spend in the gym. Otherwise, do squats. Then do lunges. Maybe leg press/hacksquat, and hamstring curls. These are WAY better for you). You want to move in the direction that your muscle fibres are running. For example, your bicep muscles run from your shoulder to your elbow. This is why we work the muscle by doing bicep curls, and why we don't work the muscle side to side. It doesn't make sense!!

So here's what you should do. 

-If possible, buy a few sessions with a REPUTABLE personal trainer. Like me. And pay me lots of money. 
-Don't go to the gym. Do my workouts at home instead. 
-Look at the hardest working person in the gym. Chances are, they look good. Watch them creepily, and then do what they do.
-Instead of spending an hour + in the gym, spend half an hour to 45 minutes... and kick the crap out of it by doing interval training, supersets, and/or functional body movements (squats, deadlifts, lunges, planks). 
-Go to the gym and do my workouts there. Email me to ask the best way to send me gifts for getting you such great results and so many phone numbers. 

Preach. 

Two things to do today. #prayersforboston

Why I've been MIA... Even Though You Probably Didn't Notice.

I really want to be one of those bloggers who takes those beautiful photos of them looking sexy after just working out, finishes the photo with some cool filter thing that makes it look like it was taken in the 1960s, and then cursively writes something motivational across the photo like "Never Give Up with Fit In Heels!" or "Fit In Heels Early Morning Runski!"

Unfortunately, I haven't have the time.

Okay, I lied. I have no clue how to do that shit.

While no one but probably my Mom and Sister have noticed, I have been completely MIA from blogging lately. Mostly because I've been eating Mini Eggs and wine as full meals (hence why I'm hosting a DietBet starting ONE WEEK today), but also because we bought a house, sold a house, did not live in our house that was being sold for over a week, and oh yeah... this guy.

To answer your question, yes, this is as wide as my eyes would open. 

I am SO EXCITED that we sold our house. Our new house was a ginormous surprise that we stumbled upon, happened to bid for, and get (we planned on selling our house first and buying after)! It had a closing date of May 27th, and we hadn't even listed our house at the time we bought. That being said, we keep finding ourselves shrieking in bed at night thanking our lucky stars that it is ours. You read that right- shrieking in bed. So, on top of caring for a newborn and trying to fit in workouts, we had to work our asses off getting our current house ready to go on the market.

We move in 6 weeks (!!!) so we have been tirelessly packing, staging, cleaning, getting rid of tons of shit from our old house, and buying more shit for our new house. It's been a stressful, tiring, and LONG 2 weeks since we bought our dream home, and this weekend, our current house SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (please only read this in the way that a European soccer announcer would yell GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!)!

I am so excited to have more space, a great backyard, a kitchen with an island, an ensuite, 2nd floor laundry, one of those water dispenser thingys on the fridge, and a HOME GYM IN THE BASEMENT!!!

Note: this is the seller's photo. I will not have a lounge chair in my home gym.
Perhaps a bar, though.  

The previous owner ran her pilates business out of the basement (one side will be a rec room and the other our home gym... Even as I type this I can't believe it... I have a gym. In my house. Mother F.). There are floor to ceiling mirrors (selfieeeeeeeee) and plenty of space for me to jump rope, kettlebell, clean, and snatch that mofo into a sweaty pulp.

I have no idea what I just said.

I promise to bring you many, many NEW workouts coming at you from my basement. In the meantime, choose your own adventure!

I also promise to be funnier again, one day.


What is something you'd love to have in your home? Besides a wine cellar. 

Lose Weight and WIN MONEY with me!

I have baby weight to lose.

I'm not going to lie, I assumed that I'd be back to normal by this time (my baby is 4 months old), which sounds ridiculous when I read back that fact. 4 months. But really, I didn't gain a ton of weight (32 pounds), and I assumed that the first 15 would come off by pushing the watermelon out of my hoo-ha (or at least that's how it felt) and the remainder would easily fall off through a combination of sneezing, laughing, and drinking wine. 

Apparently, that isn't how it works. 

I was in need of an ass-kick, so I joined DietBet in February. Fitfluential was hosting it and I thought it was a great concept: 

-Sign up by putting money into the pot. 

-Lose 4% of your body weight in 4 weeks. 

-Whoever hits their 4% weight loss goal splits the pot. 

Ch-ch-ch-check it out:

Read: You WIN MONEY for losing weight!!! Woooo!!! 

I signed up for $25 and met my goal (I had to lose 6.4 lbs in one month- well in the range of 1-2 lbs. a week, deemed healthy weight loss) and I walked away with $45 in my pocket! So I bought myself a $100 pair of pants. Totally makes sense. 

I found it to be extremely effective as it held me ACCOUNTABLE. It was a great community where people shared weight loss and exercise tips, so much so that I am now hosting my own game, and would love you to join me! It starts April 21st... more than enough time for me to buy discount Mini Eggs give away all my Easter Candy.

The more people that sign up, the better the pot gets! It's proven that losing weight in numbers is more effective than losing weight alone and that working out with friends leads to more success than working out alone! I also love that it isn't a winner-take-all weight loss challenge. Everyone who meets their goal, wins! And you can treat yourself when you win. Or, you can send your winnings to me.

Everything is confidential (or you have the option to not have it confidential, if you think it would help you be more accountable). I've been eating way too much Easter Candy, and it's about that time that I really dig deep and get on this last 10 (read: 15) pounds before my child goes off to college. 

Let's DO THIS! Join in and invite your friends, your friend's friends, and people that you don't like. The more people, the bigger the pot!!! Fit In Heels' DietBet starts April 21st!! 

Read the full set of rules here.